Top Five Planets in Our Solar System (and Three That Are Total Garbage)

A rejected The Babylon Bee article

Every once in a while, I write an article for The Babylon Bee that is too funny. I mean, Christians aren’t supposed to laugh that much as it’s seen as mocking God’s creation. Also, for this article, I was told The Babylon Bee doesn’t allow any mention of “Uranus.”

But their loss is your gain, as I can just put it on my Substack which has absolutely no standards.


Our sun has a lot of great planets revolving around it, but which ones are the best? Well, here is how we rank the top planets in our solar system:

5. Neptune: This dark blue planet is almost ominous, floating at the edge of our solar system, but that’s what makes it cool. Not too big, not too small — just an overall solid planet (though not literally, as it’s mainly gas).

4. Saturn: This planet has bling! Just look at those rings. Beautiful. And it wins the prize for best moon with Titan. Great planet, even if it’s a little out of the way.

3. Mars: It’s a red planet, and that’s just fun. Kinda small, but it gets done what it needs to in a smaller area. Plus it has two potato-shaped moons and the tallest mountain in the solar system. Neat!

2. Earth: Just a great planet; lots of bright colors like blue and green you don’t get anywhere else. And its moon, while nothing flashy, is sort of the gold standard for moons. Also, it’s the only planet with a Chick-fil-A. Almost a contender for the number one spot.

1. Jupiter: The solar system’s largest planet is also the best planet, hands down. It has an absolutely beautiful color scheme with that giant red spot that gives it a character unlike any other planet. Plus it has four large moons that would all make great planets by themselves. This guy just dominates.

Not all the planets in our solar system are great, though. Here are three that are just pure garbage.

Uranus: Everyone makes fun of the name, but it’s still a place to avoid by any other name. It’s just one dull color with nothing else to recommend it. And it’s lying on its side for some reason; is it drunk?

Venus: There’s a planet just as large as Earth and even closer than Mars, so why is there never any talk of visiting it? Because that planet is hot garbage. It makes a decent star, but you’d never want to land there.

Mercury: Just the absolute worst planet. It’s a boring little gray rock. I don’t even know why it’s considered a planet; both Jupiter and Saturn have a moon bigger than Mercury. If it didn’t sometimes appear as a little star before sunset or just after sunrise, we could completely ignore it, and we’d better off for it.

If you know any other planets you think should make the list, please tell us!