If there is one thing people notice first about me, it’s that I’m a really cool dude. And thus, people are always asking me, “How do I be a cool dude like you?”
And I always say, “You can’t. It’s impossible. You will always be a dork. Everyone is always going to laugh at you.”
But people don’t like that answer. So, here instead are my tips on being a cool dude like me.
TIP #1: Wear sunglasses. Eyes are the opposite of cool. You can’t ever let anyone see your eyes. Through your eyes, people will stare deep into your soul and know you’re a dork. That’s why the first step of being cool is sunglasses.
TIP #2: Avoid emotions. Emotions are not cool. If you have emotions, people will be like, “Look at the dork; his temperament is constantly affected by things.” So no matter what happens, you can’t panic or break down sobbing or react to something with more than a slight chuckle. If the whole world collapses around you, you just have to sort of shrug and go, “Whatever.” That’s cool.
TIP #3: Don’t look at explosions. This one is hard; explosions are awesome, and everyone loves looking at them. But when you’re cool, you don’t ever look at explosions. If there’s an explosion behind you, you just walk away without even one glance behind; anyone who looks back will be turned into a pillar of dork. I’d practice this one by going to a fireworks show and keeping your back turned to it the whole time.
TIP #4: Don’t freak out if you think you hear a bee. Here’s another hard one. If you hear a buzzing, your first instinct is to yell, “Ahh! A bee!” and start swatting around randomly. You can’t do that; you’ll look like a dork. This is especially disastrous if you’re trying to be a cool beekeeper. So if you hear a bee, you’ll just have to sit still and ignore it even though there’s a distinct possibility it will land on your neck and sting you.
TIP #5: Don’t care what others think about you. A big part of being cool is not caring what others think. This seems difficult, though, if they think you’re not cool and are always pointing and laughing at you. Happens to me all the time, but I don’t care. Because I’m cool.
TIP #6: Finger guns. About the coolest gesture you can do. I don’t know why people are always laughing at it. Whatever; it’s cool.
So there are my tips. I hope you liked them. Actually, I don’t care if you liked them. Because I’m cool.