Frank's Best of the Babylon Bee: Part 2
“He will shatter and die. SHATTER AND DIE!”
Let’s continue our adventure into my favorite The Babylon Bee articles from the approximately 666 articles I wrote. To keep this manageable, today let’s just cover from the beginning of 2019 until June. I was still writing usually about three articles a week at this point, and they pretty never mentioned viruses. Simpler days.
There were a lot of things you could legitimately criticize Trump about, but it still seemed like 90% or more of criticisms of Trump were still stupid, hypocritical, partisan nonsense. Nonsense criticisms are just too shiny for a partisan to not focus on.
Again, I miss Trump. He was fun for satire if you knew how to not be tired about it.
This is one of my favorite examples of the political articles because it’s just so stupid and you can’t really tell who it’s making fun of. Plus, I just love Trump claiming his steel slat wall is too strong for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through. “He will shatter and die. SHATTER AND DIE!”
This is one of those articles I kept wanting to write and then realized I already wrote it because it’s just a recurring thing these days. People are really down on masculinity all the time now, so they should be happy we don’t have much of it left. And the final paragraph with Duke Miller the Marine sergeant is one of my favorite things.
This one just seems true. I mean, how many people follow baseball these days versus how many people scream about people online about some issue they’re going to forget by next week? I can’t even name a current professional baseball player right now, but I know a lot of legendary internet trolls.
I kind of got the Bee in a little trouble with this one as we didn’t think of any potentially racist implications. This was when AOC put out here New Green Deal FAQ and it had so much stupid stuff in it like guarantees of money for people who just don’t feel like working and made it obvious she didn’t take climate change seriously either. She kept avoiding questions on it, so I came up with this idea of her dodging things by pretending she doesn’t know English which was funny to me because she talks like a valley girl. In the article, though, the language she speaks is Huttese.
The love of college kids for Bernie Sanders is kind of baffling. The youth are just excited for really old, really failed ideas. What was fun about this one, though, was it was an excuse to cram an article with every old joke I could think of.
This was a pretty niche one that I don’t think did very well, but I loved it. As we all know, the only thing Pokemon can say is their own name which was fun to play with and led to one of my favorite lines when Trump is refuting the testimony against him: “Everything he says is a lie, from ‘pika’ to ‘chu.’”
This one I just loved as an illustration of the cut off your nose to spite your face logic of antisemitism. The Bee got a lot of criticism for how much they went after the Squad, but they’re all pretty terrible and I don’t think we went after them enough.
I don’t know what to say about this other than it’s just a solid burn. CNN has been a common punching bag for The Babylon Bee (no one thinks it’s worth it going after MSNBC). This article also demonstrates my common habit where, to not feel like a partisan hack, if I had an article going after the left, I’d throw in an end paragraph with a joke about Trump.
I love this one, but there’s not much to explain. It’s a Constitutional crisis, and the crisis is that Trump is about to get marina sauce all over the Constitution. That’s funny. I think this is also another Ethan Nicolle photoshop.
George R.R. Martin is particularly frustrating to me. I don’t know if you all know this, but I’m a part-time writer. I get up at 5 AM every morning and write before my regular job. And that time is divided between writing my novels and other regular writing (that used to be The Babylon Bee but is now this Substack). Despite only having a couple of hours each day to divide between multiple writing projects, I can still write a novel in about a year. So I’m just baffled what exactly does George R.R. Martin, as a full-time writer, does all day. If I had nothing to do but write all day, I’d put out multiple novels per year, but his are now taking more than a decade. Well, if you ever all make me a super-famous writer one day, I’ll be much more responsible with that power.
I’m one of those who first became a fan of the Bee because of its inside baseball church humor you couldn’t find anywhere else, but I’m bad at coming up with those articles. I mainly wrote political articles because it’s what my mind tended to come up with. Still, I was happy when I came up with the occasional religious or family article, which this is sort of a combination of the two. Ah, kids, they are so frustrating.
That’s all the wistful looking back for now. We’ll cover the rest of my favorite articles I wrote from 2019 — the pre-COVID era — sometime later.