War. A lot of people think it’s pretty bad, and while I don’t want to be a contrarian, I take the contrary view.

War, despite getting a bad rap, is a pretty okay thing. Let’s say you have an argument between two people. You try to talk it out, right? Well, let’s say it’s an argument between two whole countries. That’s a lot of people to talk things through to reach a particular conclusion. And what if you need the argument settled right away?

Well, that’s where war comes in. With war, you get a clear winner to an argument. For instance, maybe you’re wondering what country owns a particular piece of land. Just have a war, and you get a definitive answer. Easy-peasy.

Another great thing about war is that it’s interesting. It makes long Wikipedia articles. It fills plenty of content on the History Channel. And it’s a great subject for movies. If there were no war, what would happen to the popular series Star Wars? I guess it would just have to be Star Hanging Around. That sounds boring. I don’t want to watch that.

Now, there are some bad things about war such as death and destruction. That’s why I do prefer that everyone keep war away from where I live. I don’t want my stuff blown up with some sort of war missile. I was looking at a map recently, and there are all these islands north of Russia and Canada. Does anyone even live there? You all should war there, far away from me. Settle your arguments there.

So, next time you hear someone bad-mouthing war, you tell him, “Hey, buddy, war is A-OK. My pal Frankie J. says so.”

On second thought, no, don’t say that. I don’t like that nickname. And if you insist on calling me that, meet me with some tanks on Ellesmere Island and we will settle this.