Best of the Bee: The Final Posts
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Best of the Bee: The Final Posts
The best articles from my final three months at The Babylon Bee
I can’t believe my original idea was to have just one Substack article on my favorite posts I did for The Babylon Bee. But I had no idea how many I wrote (approximately 666 by my file count), and here we are on the 13th and final round-up of my favorite articles, covering my last three months — October to December of 2021 — and also including my final post for The Babylon Bee.
Ships Arrive From The Orient Laden With Pumpkin Spice
I think I had something similar to this idea for a while — treating pumpkin spice like some actual spice — but finally did it in October 2021. In the end, I think I always appreciated my non-political satire more.
Concerning Growth In Number Of Giant Flies As Adventurers Keep Slaying All The Giant Spiders
I always like exploring the logic of video games, and so many tend to include giant spiders who live for nothing but to attack you and then drop gold for some reason (I explore that part a bit in my Fun Short The Merchant). One of my favorite things is to take something ridiculous and then explain it as logically as possible, so I tried to imagine the ecosystem of these giant spiders.
Making It Worse: Buttigieg Just Crashed A Train Into A Cargo Ship
Buttigieg was made the Secretary of Transportation, but he was gone a few months, and no one noticed until the cargo ship crisis at the ports. After that, people kept urging him to do something, but he seemed a rather useless individual, and this was my imagining of what would happen if he took a hands-on approach to fixing the situation while being the ultimate screw-up.
AOC’s Rant Against Capitalism Undercut By Her Having Pringles Canisters Stuck On Each Hand
I did countless “AOC is dumb” posts over my time at the Bee, and this was my last and one of my most favorite. I don’t know how to explain this any further: She’s ranting against capitalism but has Pringles canisters stuck on her hands.
My favorite posts are the really, really dumb ones, and this is pretty dumb. What if a Facebook whistleblower was just someone standing around blowing a whistle? People wouldn’t like that. Unfortunately, there’s nothing you can do about it because of whistleblower laws.
Conservatives Stop Saying ‘Let’s Go Brandon’ After Realizing It Makes Liberals Sad
The left really freaked out about the “Let’s Go Brandon” thing for a while, which of course, just fed it. What did they think would happen if they scrunched their faces in anger and screamed about it? If you don’t want cons to own the libs, the libs need to stop being so easily owned.
Oscar The Grouch Refuses The Vaccine, Stocks Up On Ivermectin
Sesame Street decided to promote the COVID vaccine, and I got to thinking, “But what if the other muppets remained in character?”
Progress: U.S. Military Introduces Very First Gender-Neutral Bomb
The military’s purpose is to kill people and break things, so it always seems weird when they promote their “inclusiveness.”
Do you get it, though? All bombs are gender-neutral. They blow up everyone equally.
The fun part of this was imagining the conservatives’ argument in getting angry about all this.
Embarrassing: British Realize They’ve Been Using The Wrong Words For Hundreds Of Things
This isn’t satire; this is just straight reporting.
Op-Ed: Die Hard Is NOT A Christmas Movie
Here it is: the final article I wrote for The Babylon Bee. I had pitched this one in previous years but hadn’t been asked to write it. And what’s weird about this one is I purposely wrote this one not to be funny; the more seriously Hitler argued that Die Hard is not a Christmas movie, the funnier the premise was to me. I kind of wanted to do a series like this: Hitler arguing non-political positions I didn’t care for. That concept ended up in my short story, Godwin’s Law, though.
There you go; the last of my The Babylon Bee articles. I’m proud of my writing, but also happy to have moved on.
What is your favorite article of mine of all time? Mine might be “Dumb AOC Accidentally Strangles Herself Tying Her Shoes (Because She Is So Stupid)”. That article still makes me laugh every time I read it (because it’s so stupid). It also confounded so many people.