Best of the Bee: Part 8
My best posts from The Babylon Bee
It’s time once again to go over the absolute best from the approximately 666 articles I wrote for The Babylon Bee. I was writing every day for the Bee at this point and was apparently really good at it now, as I was trying to focus on only my best articles, but I ended up with 13 covering just June through August of 2020. At this rate, it will take forever to get to the end (December 2021), but whatevs. We’re in no rush.
I did like it when I had an actual religious article for the Bee, but it was the political ones that got the most traffic. So it was great when I got one that combined the two. This is how I think Trump would react if he read the Bible verse about faith the size of a mustard seed being enough to move a mountain, and I think I nailed it.
There was a big anti-police sentiment after George Floyd (which led to the idiotic “defund the police” movement). Here was me taking it to the logical extreme. This article actually made me sad with the line, “Defenders of McGruff argued that McGruff could just be retired and live on a farm working as a P.I. instead of being put down -- or that at least they didn’t need to tell McGruff he was a ‘bad, bad dog’ before the injection, but activists wouldn’t relent, and the euthanization happened as planned.” Poor McGruff; you’re not a bad dog! You’re a good, good dog!
This one actually got published in October 2020, but I apparently wrote it in June and it sat around that long until I publicly badgered the Bee to publish one of my best articles ever finally. Read it and tell me if you agree. It’s just dumb fun with no point, and I love it (but yeah, it was never going to do much traffic).
I loved this one. Simple intriguing headline with no political angle. And it was decently popular and became a bit of a running gag for the Bee. Once, when one article got a lot of heat, I convinced them to put out an apology — but apologize for this article instead.
The way the left took out all their anxieties about COVID on kids is pretty reprehensible. They basically settled on as long as no one is having fun and everyone is miserable, then we’re safe — except if you yourself want to go with a few pals to the French Laundry. Anyway, this one didn’t feel that far off from reality, with people in California filling a skate park with sand for unfathomable reasons.
I always really wanted to write for TV and movies, so my favorite posts were the ones that read more like a sketch. This is a good example; I just love the dialog between the protagonist and the sympathetic Satan.
Things got pretty crazy getting near the 2020 election. Apparently, people were convinced Trump was putting locks on mailboxes to somehow stop people from voting against him. I’m not really sure how that would prevent only votes against himself, but don’t try to reason with hysteria.
When working with experimental vaccines, do your best to keep them away from the corpse of Adolf Hitler.
This one was autobiographical. After joining the Bee, they had all these references to Christian culture I didn’t understand (I still can’t quite convince myself DC Talk is something other than a Washington D.C. AM station) and used all these terms to debate Calvinism that were foreign to me. I just know what’s in the Bible, dudes.
Man, if only everyone could be as chill as us Gen Xers. We never had some big challenge in our life like WWII — other than dealing with all the other generations who are terrible.
I always wanted to do op-eds from a parody conservative, and a cranky old man is who I finally settled on. These were never that popular, but I always enjoyed them.
This is a running gag with my kids when I’m doing Bible study with them.
“An angel appeared, and guess what he said?”
“BE NOT AFRAID!”
If angels don’t want people to be afraid, maybe turn it down a notch.
People can’t seem to understand that something can be police abuse but that doesn’t mean the guy who was abused was a hero. Here’s my take on that.
That’s it for now. Which was your favorite?