Bashing You in the Face with a Gold Bar
Hellbender 2 is out now!
This is your lucky day! The funniest book ever written is finally here: Hellbender 2: Double Hockey Sticks.
Why are you still here? You should be buying the book and starting to read it. This is my masterpiece — my funniest work yet. Maybe you haven’t read the first one, Hellbender, but you have no time. Just buy and start with this one and then circle back to the first one and call it Hellbender: Origins.
I mean, I stuffed this one so full of humor the thing is about to explode. And I got more lore in there and some character development — all that story crap. You’re going to love this so much, you’ll rue all the time you spent not reading it. So buy it now!
Why are you still reading this? Stop right now and get Hellbender 2. Gah! I hate marketing. It’s like taking a gold bar and bashing someone in the face with it while shouting, “Don’t understand how valuable this is?! Take it! Take it!”
Come on! You’re still here reading this instead of Hellbender 2? What is wrong with you? Why aren’t you understanding what I’m saying? I’ll try it really slow: If you get Hellbender 2 and start reading it, you will be happy. If you don’t, you will continue to be miserable and sad. You like being happy, right? Right?
I’m trying to help you. Listen to me. Get Hellbender 2. I’m going to stop this now, and you’re going to go buy my book and thank me later.
BTW, later this week, I’m going to have a Hellbender short story for free on this Substack. You don’t deserve this, but I’m doing it for you anyway.
Now, go buy Hellbender 2.