A Lady’s Guide to Fighting Vicious Animals

Women don’t seem to think they can fight a goose, but I’m here to help

As the smartest person you know, I believe it’s incumbent on me to sometimes do news analysis to help you understand things. So there was this YouGov survey on fighting animals, and it had an interesting result when it came to men versus women in assessing their own ability to fight animals barehanded.

Now as you can see from the survey data, for the animals a person has basically no chance against — grizzly bears, lions, elephants, and gorillas — there’s not much difference between men and women. There seems to be just as many crazy women as there are men — or women who don’t know exactly what a grizzly bear is. But as soon we reach animals where there actually is a chance to fight them barehanded, there begins to be a large gap between men and women in how many think they can fight them.

This is a difference of confidence. Surveys also show women are much less likely to ask for a raise, and it’s that same lack of confidence that makes them think they can’t just punt a medium-sized dog across the room (to paraphrase ZZ Top: You have legs, ladies; know how to use them).

Well, I’m not just here to identify problems; I also solve them. So to help women with their confidence, here’s a guide to fight vicious animals barehanded specifically tailored to women.

A Lady’s Guide to Fighting Vicious Animals

Grizzly Bear

Now, I’m just going to say you’re not going to win this. It’s a grizzly bear; it’s going to tear you apart and all your feeble attacks won’t even phase it. But in a way, that’s good news because that frees you up to try anything. I’m going to recommend going for a tornado roundhouse kick right to the bear’s head. If you time that spinning roundhouse kick perfectly and land it just right… absolutely nothing will happen. It’s not going to work. But it might work. And that would be legendary. And the lucky thing for women is they have just as much chance as a man of making this work — which is a 0% chance.

But maybe it will work.

Lion

Here’s another one where basically you have no chance whatsoever, so just go for it. Now, with a lion, you have five things to watch out for: its mouth full of razor-sharp teeth and four razor-sharp claws. That’s too much to keep track of. You need to end this quick… but most likely he’s going to end it quick.

So what advantage do you have over a lion? Well, a lion stands about four feet tall. Now, ladies, you probably aren’t six-foot, but you’re taller than that. And how high can you jump? See, here’s what you’re going to do: When that lion comes at you, you jump at it and you punch down at its head, coming down on it with all your weight. The lion will not expect that; no other animal is going to come at it that way. And if you get enough weight in it (and if you’re one of those ladies always watching your weight and only eating salad, you’re working against yourself here), maybe you can knock that lion out cold.

Elephant

I notice the poll has the number of people thinking they can fight this animal creeping up a little bit from the first two. I guess people are thinking an elephant is so big they can outmaneuver it — maybe jump up on its back. Sure, but now what? I guess a guy is thinking he can then just start punching it in the head, but you’ve got to watch out for that trunk. A lot of men will think “I’m stronger than a nose” but they wrong — they’re going to get thrown and stomped. Women will have to be smarter than that. You dodge that nose, and you grab one of your high heels (you’re a lady so you have high heels) and start gouging out that elephant’s eyes. And then I guess you hope that blind elephant runs into a tree or off a cliff.

Gorilla

Here’s one where I think a woman might actually have a better chance than a man. See a man is just going to go, “I’m going to punch that gorilla!” But taking a gorilla head-on like that is suicide; that dude is going to get his limbs torn off. But as anyone who has seen a King Kong movie knows, gorillas are vulnerable to feminine wiles. So you just talk really nice to that gorilla and get him smitten with you. Then, as soon as his guard is down, bash him in the head with a rock.

Crocodile

This is the place in the polling where men started really separating from women in how many people felt they could fight the animal with their bare hands. That’s because every man knows this simple fact about crocodiles: While they have huge muscles for closing their jaws, they have weak muscles for opening them. Well, ladies, now you know that too. So, just dodge the initial snap from the crocodile’s jaws, and then wrap yourself around its head and hold on for dear life as it thrashes about.

After that, I’m not really sure what you can do next, though. Technically, you can drown a crocodile, but that will take like an hour. But hey, as long as you’re holding on and it’s not biting you, you haven’t lost the fight!

Wolf

Now we’re getting into fights that you can honestly win if you know what you’re doing. Wolves are fearsome in a pack, but one wolf all by its lonesome is totally doable. You only have one part of it that could really hurt you — the jaws — to worry about and you most likely have a size advantage as the average wolf weighs 88 pounds. Now, if it does get those jaws on you, it’s not letting go, so my advice is to give it something to bite down on that won’t hurt you. Being a lady, you got like a skirt or something. Wave that in front of the wolf, let him chomp on it, and then you get on him and hold that dog’s mouth shut with one hand (he has the same weakness as a crocodile) and wail on him with the other hand. Just punch that dog. Over and over. You’re going to win this.

Kangaroo

I don’t know how this one got ranked so high as an animal that’s difficult to fight. Is it just exotic, and people don’t know what to expect? I looked it up, and there’s only one recorded incident of a kangaroo killing a man — and no recorded instance of it killing a woman. I mean, really, what’s scary about it? It’s got a little jaw and tiny T. rex arms. Sure, it’s got those big legs, but what’s it going to do with them? Jump on you like it’s a Super Mario Brother?

Yes, the kangaroo might stand taller than you, but just uppercut it in that little head of his. Pow pow pow. Those tiny arms of his aren’t going to be able to block. You got this, girl!

Chimpanzee

I don’t know how this one got so low on the list. I guess everyone is thinking of those cute chimps who rollerskate and smoke cigars. But if we’re talking about fighting an adult chimpanzee, you’re dealing with a small, hairy man who is surprisingly strong and in a fight is all teeth. I might actually rather fight a gorilla.

Still, you have a height advantage on this guy. Go for downward striking moves with lots of power — axe kicks and hammer fists — and try to keep your distance. It’s going to be a tough fight. If you win this, appletinis are on me.

King Cobra

This one is a big split between men and women, where women rate fighting a king cobra as difficult as fighting a gorilla but about a quarter of men are like, “Yeah, I can mess up a snake.” I side with the men on this one.

A king cobra is big… for a snake. It’s still tiny compared to you, ladies. You get your hands on it, you’ll wring its neck easy. I guess what women are worried about is the poison, and you probably are going to get bit when you’re trying to grab that thing. Well, it takes about thirty minutes for king cobra venom to kill you. That leaves you one minute to snap its little snake neck and twenty-nine minutes to drag yourself to the hospital toting with you with the snake corpse so they can get you the right antivenom. Easy peasy.

Large Dog

I already explained how to fight a wolf, and a large dog is just a dumber wolf who isn’t as good at fighting. Piece of cake.

Eagle

An eagle has three points of danger: Its beak and two large talons. It can mess you up with those. But it also has to get close to use those, and then you can grab it. I mean, the largest eagle is still only like twenty pounds. You get a hold of that thing, it’s dead. You just spike it to the ground and use a move they don’t usually teach in martial arts: stomping. That’s because martial arts usually focuses on fighting opponents roughly the same size, but stomping is great for anything much smaller than you. So get that eagle on the ground and drive your high heels into ole hollow bones there.

Medium Sized Dog

How do only 39% of women think they can take on a medium-sized dog? Is this a “I don’t want to have to hurt the cute little puppy!” sort of thing? Well, it’s him or you, lady. But this is a David and Goliath type fight with you as Goliath and the dog unable to use a sling. Just knock that pooch over and start stomping him. Stomp stomp stomp!

Goose

I don’t know why nearly half of women think they can’t handle a goose. Sure, they’re jerks, but basically, now you’re dealing with an eagle where you don’t have to worry about the beak or the talons. Just grab it by that stupid goose neck. And maybe slam it to the ground and stomp on it.

House Cat

Any grown woman should be able to defeat a house cat. You’re basically fighting a duck-sized lion. Again, we have five points of danger — one mouth of sharp teeth and four sharp claws — but they’ll only be able to do superficial damage. I’ll tell you now: This is not going to be a fun fight. But as soon as you get your hands on that thing, it’s dead. And even better than getting your hand on it and getting clawed in the process is to just stomp it.

Rat

Stomp.


Well, there you go, ladies. Now you know how to fight all sorts of animals bare-handed. Next time you get asked, “Could you beat up a kangaroo?” you’ll be able to answer in the affirmative with confidence. And maybe now you also have the confidence to march up to your boss and ask for that raise. If he takes offense at that, use the same rules as fighting a chimp.